Father's Day

Tonight as the house settles I am thinking of Dad, tomorrow is Father's Day and evn though I miss him every minute I miss him more for some reason right now. I wish he was here to share on our lives like he used to. I wish he could hold Aspen and sing Little Brown Jug, I wish he could tell Aurora stories and let her comb his hair and song with her. I wish that Chase was able to make him laugh and be proud, maybe he wouldn't cry over him anymore. I wish that he could tell Hawken how proud of him he is, with every acheivement that Hawken has I think about how Dad would be so excited about it. every fish, every basket, every deer, everything. Aspen looked at me the other day she was upset about something and more than a little scared about it, the look she gave me was the same look that I last saw in my Dad's eyes, what I wouldn't give to have his last look have been joy, but it was fear and that breaks my heart.
He was such a good father to me, a wonderful teacher and coach, and a sincere cheerleader who didn't give me flase confidence but always commended me for trying, who was proud of my athleticism and didn't even know I could sing until I was nearly 20, probably because he was always singing with me.
My favorite memory will always be this one:
In November he had suffered a stroke that had, robbed him of the use of his right side, stolen his career, and ravaged his confidence. He had improved and was ab le to walk pretty good with his walker so we were headed out to Uncle Tom's logging job, for coffee. Well Dad had just regained his voice fully and seemed as if it was a tenuous lease he was guarding it. One thing that was constant in all my growing years was country music in the vehicle with Dad and Mom, so much so that nearly every song I hear from that era has a memory attached to it, Don Williams was front and center, Your My Best Friend, Country Boy, Amanda and many, many others. This day was one of those -20 degree days that is still and crystaline, the air crackled and the tires one the snow made that wonderful squawk that so many people hear and love and hate at the same time. The commercials on the radio ended and Dave Stelton announced the next song was by Don Williams, so I automatically turned it up a notch. The song started, I had sort of forgot about this song but it was one of Dad's favorites, I started tapping the steering wheel in the suburban and singing along and noticed Dad tapping his left hand in time, then his toe tapping, soon, with an almost visible nervousness he opened his mouth to sing the chorus "Lord, I hope this day is good, I'm feeling empty and misunderstood, I should be thankful lord I know I should, but Lord I hope this day is good." I drove on sing through the tears, I reached over and squeezed his hand and knew he was back, he was battered and bruised by the stroke but he was alive and on that gorgeous day in his own way he thanked the lord for the gifts he had been granted and that day was indeed good!

The Crystal Showanda song You Can Let Go Daddy, could have been written for us, even the final verse, I will forever be grateful for getting to Dad in time to tell him I loved him and let him go.

My little girl heart aches
my little girl eyes cry tears
that he isn't here to wipe away
he can't heal my scrapes and hug away my fears.

I miss you so much Dad.