Why?

Why was Chase subjected to Autism? I really must be down tonight, but I am asking for I think the first time ever... Why Him?

Wasn't being born at 24 weeks enough,
122 days in the Neonatal ICU,
numerous spinal taps,
being away from home,
only getting mommy every other day since I had to be with the other kids too,
Oxygen for 2 years,
inhalers for the rest of his life...
and much more...
....wasn't that enough?

I am forever blessed to have him, I thank God everyday for my give me Chase, but surely this one little boy could have gotten a break. I have always been and still am so thankful that he is mobile, can see, hear, breathe and so many other things, the chances of him living were even slim, so I have no right to complain, or whine or whatever this is, but for him, I would remove the frustration he must feel, when he wants out of the cloud, when he wants to tell me something but the words don't come out or he can't even find them, or when he just wants my attention but doesn't know how to say "Mommy".

Maybe I am feeling a little sorry for myself, maybe this part of a process that I should have been through long ago, maybe I feel like I have finally learned enough to face the fact that Chase may not ever play a sport in school, he may never fall in love, he may never order what he wants to eat in a restaurant, he won't drive, he won't ask for a bowling birthday party when he is 10, he won't have children. He may forever be a child. I might be feeling sorry for myself and unnecessarily sorry for him, he may be perfectly happy, but what happens when he isn't happy, and I miss the cues he gives me, what then, all I can think of is how frustrated his bright little brain gets with a world that he doesn't communicate in.

Chase is my hero, my love, my friend and the best hugger I know, I just hope that he is happy. I hope he is always happy, and I never miss a cue, he deserves everything good in life....I need to figure out how to give it to him, when he wants it, how to explain it when it gets there and to hold him if it slips away.

My little boy has continually defied every odd, now lets pray for a cue for Autism, for even more treatments and lets make sure that all the amazing children like Chase are happy, what ever it takes.